Driving
Exam.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received
on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's
driving school.
Q:
Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q:
Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way
stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q:
When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q:
How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too sh**-faced to find your keys.
Q:
What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q:
What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could
no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q:
What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she
is cute.
Q:
What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q:
How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q:
What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q:
Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
100
Zany Ways To Phone in a Pizza Order.
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering.
Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had
this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other
line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise
me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about
nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED
COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from
Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them
out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy
bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning
Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave
as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they
ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become
disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to
cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern
as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask
if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say
"Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A
little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right,
say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first
window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say
yes, heave a sigh of relief. More Jokes...
